I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.