@BuckyIsotope ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
@AddledPixie I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
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@BuckyIsotope 
@BlindChow “You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
@daemonic3 My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
@abhorrent_wife There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
@68Cly29 I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
@zoebread an octopus is just a wet spider
@jonnysun i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
@PJTLynch Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
@Shira Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
@ArfMeasures ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome