I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Well, this explains it:
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
groan^2
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.