I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Miscakes
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”