I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Eggs benadryl my favourite
OH. COME. ON.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies