I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?