I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Every time my phone rings
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car