Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*