I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The Assassin.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu