I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Mad Max Arctic Road
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now