I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”