I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”