I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Breaking news:
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.