I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
You Might Also Like
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Weirdos gonna weird.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.