I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
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[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
marvel comics have peaked
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*