@ExcuseMyTweets The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
@GensPlace I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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@ExcuseMyTweets 
@PJTLynch By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
@bigmacher If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
@MadamBetteNoire Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
@ElKnuckelhombre My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
@SteveSuckington Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
@briantylercohen *sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
@Maxine12333 You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
@DBMaxP Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
@noog What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?