I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

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The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance


If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.


Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.


Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?


You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.


Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets


What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?