I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
SF is the wild wild west man
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.