@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

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@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

@PJTLynch

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@noog

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?