I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Schrödinger’s cookie
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.