I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

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Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.


If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,



Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh


Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.


“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”


Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.


Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well


Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.