@1followernodad Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
@RunOldMan I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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@1followernodad 
@SirEviscerate This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
@deephora_ If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
@4ndbest Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
@theshantilly Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
@Marlebean “We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
@SufficientCharm Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
@smithsara79 Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
@Amusitr0n Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
@LindaInDisguise Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.