I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?