I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Tell me you get it…🤣
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket