I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
the dark web is just a goth google.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…