I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Ummm
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?