i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
yeet
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
🤣😂🤣
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?