I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
work smarter, not harder
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]