@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

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@DadandBuried

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

@Rollinintheseat

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@aligarchy

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@TheSharona06

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@withanewname

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.