I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Squirrels before girls.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .