I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
ME: I’d love to see u again
DATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”
<door flies open>
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.