I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning