[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The old gods are rising again.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED