I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it