@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

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@ficklenuts

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@Kyle_Lippert

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

@Prero22

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED