I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
any last words?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”