i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.