I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager