“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Krampus.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Swedish for common sense.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
😂 amazing answer
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects