I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Best spot.. 😅
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*