I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.