Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

whatcha thinkin bout

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Me when someone tries to get to know me

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.