I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’d hang this in my house.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*weighs self after shaving
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is