I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick