I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
one of
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive