I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Twitter remains undefeated
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When news reporters do sports stories
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.