I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.