I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
bad news gang
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*pronounces fake like saké*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of