I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.