I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Love is always patient and kind.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
That 👊
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination