I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”