I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Do not steal food from the science building!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.