“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.