@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

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@ScollarsCoin

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@aissalanis

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

@thistallawkgirl

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@SarcasticSadOne

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

@pourmecoffee

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”