“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.


My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.


Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.


Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?


Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken


Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.


*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”


People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.


“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”