I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
why I oughta
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes