I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*