I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
January has been Januweary
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Finally
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.