I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
