I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
What’s a Messi?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?