I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.