I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
This guy’s not having it 😆
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.