I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm